N O I R C O E U R S

For as long as I can remember I have aways had issues with my body and eating. At the tender age of 12, I started to diet because I was gaining weight rapidly. I have always relied on food for emotion support and thus making me gain a ton of weight when in stressful situations and I couldn't help it. I’ve been all different shapes and sizes over these last 7 years. I was a skinny child. I was an overweight teenager. currently? I don't know what I am...ever since the summer of 2016 I haven't stopped gaining weight, maybe it's due to stress and an overwhelming amount of anxiety and depression or because I'm a binge eater I don't know how to stop.

It’s very easy to hate your body. I haven't always been this way but from the time I started high school to now, there's has been nothing I hated more than my body. I hate my big thighs, the rolls on my stomach, the stretch marks on my butt. I literally hate everything about my body whenever I look in the mirror and so I've made it a point to not look in one or even buy clothes anymore.

this is what I wanted my body to look like. a very unhealthy way of living.

During my time at school I wanted to look like all the other skinny pretty girls, I didn't want people to make fun of me because I was fat or ugly, didn't have nice boobs or nice legs. At age 13 I started restricting the way I ate and the things I ate...if that makes sense?, sometimes I wouldn't eat at all because I was convinced that eating was the work of the devil and I didn't want to gain any more weight than I already had. I restricted my calories to 700cals per day, thats breakfast and a snack right there but thats why I would do everyday until I couldn't bare it any longer and id binge hard and purge.

At age 14 i started purging and starving myself. I guess i did it because i felt more in control of myself and my eating i picked and chose when i would completely indulge and lose control but then feeling like shit afterwards to the point i make myself sick to feel "lighter" or back in control. this behaviour carried on for years, there were moments where I completely lost it and just ate thousands of calories in one sitting.

I'm almost at the age of 20 and I hate my body more than ever. I've given up dating, I hate going out cause that means dressing up and everything is just too much for me. I've come to push people away because of fear and judgement.

during this whole fiasco I started to get depressed and my anxiety shot through the roof because of the way my body looked.

This here is a recent picture taken at a blogging event. Now the story behind this is that I hate getting my photo taken by other people, I would rather die tbh...but some of my blogger friends insisted and I let them and in that moment I felt good for a little bit then getting home and seeing the pictures I started to analyse and pick apart everything wrong with my body and instantly hated it but its confidence front I put on all the damn time.

I have this front that shows I'm confident in myself and what I do but the truth is I'm always nervous and anxious about the way people will see me and if they'll judge my looks and weight. I pretend I don't care when someone says something that hurts my feelings when they poke fun at my weight or my looks. I look in the mirror everyday and insult myself... something along the lines of "Wowwww you’ve finally gotten down to a 25 bmi?? wooptyfucking do!! Still a fat whale? Still ugly? Still can’t see your ribs? Then there’s no fucking reason to celebrate. You can celebrate when you’re small. You can celebrate when you put in the fucking work and make ACTUAL progress. Going from a fat bitch to a slightly less fat bitch isn’t enough progress. Get there. Get to 110 and watch everyone fall for you. It’s all you’ve ever wanted, don’t get distracted and mess this up over a sandwich." it's very unhealthy the way I still look myself and everyday I try and be better and do things that make me happier in order to move past this. all take time, a lot of it but its doable.